Musings

I try not to blame anyone except myself for the decisions that I make that are just plain foolish, destructive, and regretful. As I reflect upon my past to find seminal moments that have changed the course of my trek through the age of my terrestrial voyage, the most recent incident resulting from poor judgment on my part has been the most shaping to my personality. I could walk around with my head hanging down in shame, but instead, I have chosen to hold my head up and move forward in my life. While I see the failure in my poor choice of action, I have been lifted from the miry clay of my personality flaw. Over the course of my adult life, I have been plagued with fleshly desires.

They have not always been in control of my body, but they have always been there. Even though I knew they were wrong and I was able to suppress them for the majority of my life, there were too many occasions when they would rise up and seize control. The warning signs were there, and I was able to convince myself that this was something that I could control on my own. My mind was strong enough to keep me from being consistent in falling, but it was not strong enough to keep me from deluding myself into coming up with a justification for my wrongdoing. Even the word of God provided me a way to do wrong as I reasoned my way to moral failure. There were so many examples of unpunished transgressors who were used by God, not just in the word, but also in the world in which we live. There is a way that seems right to us, but the end thereof is destruction.

I suffered loss in an economic sense and also in the sense of freedom that I had to do what I really love doing. I love helping others negotiate the wilderness of life that is fraught with danger and delight. While I have been given another venue from which I can do the same type of thing, it is not the same. I had more time and freedom to do community activities. That is now gone as well. I guess that I also lost some of the prestige that came with my old position. Trust is a vital part of what I do and how I do it. My effectiveness has taken a major blow as I have to work harder to get my point of right living across to others. My witness has been diminished from that standpoint.

But what is prestige with human beings when you are not in good standing with God. I lost peace of mind as my wrongdoing ate away at my soul like an untreated cancer. While I confidently move forward, letting my failure be the catalyst for my commitment to do more for God, I know that I am better than what I used to be. My metamorphosis has turned me into a better messenger. I’m determined to be a better person than I was before I sustained my loss.